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Jonah Hex


With Jonah Hex, we get a mini battle royale of confusing and disappointing proportions. On one side, we have an awful story, terrible script and effects barely fit for decades ago. On the other, we have a solid cast consisting of Josh Brolin, John Malkovich, Michael Fassbender and Will Arnett making his foray into “serious” roles. The worst part is that the former, or opposition, wins in a landslide victory.

Grade:

During the Civil War, Jonah Hex (Brolin) kills Quentin Turnbull’s (Malkovich) son (Jeffrey Dean Morgan – is he ever alive?). When Turnbull exacts his revenge and kills Hex’s family, he nearly kills Hex. After being revived by a Native American tribe, Hex can now talk to the dead and do a few other superhuman things that aren’t explained. Also, he becomes a bounty hunter the American government hires to hunt down Turnbull later on.

Unlike other famous anti-heroes like Dexter Morgan, Jonah Hex is not someone for whom you will cheer. He murders mercilessly and without a second thought. He’s also just obnoxiously “mysterious”. He’s a man of few words that rarely expand beyond the realm of cliché. After a short time, you completely lose all motives in caring for his quest for vengeance because the film makes it apparent he is as bad as Turnbull, except Hex doesn’t want to destroy the world.

That’s just the issues with the main character. Turnbull is a senselessly maniacal individual who wants to raze Washington and then continents, but clearly has not thought of the consequences – like a lack of people for him to control due to mass murders. The rest of the film decides to introduce a group of characters, but never lets the audience grow attached to any because they are killed, put back to death or simply forgotten. So now that you are done focusing on the characters, you begin to watch the action…and find no solace in that either.

Hex is set in the Civil War period so there are obviously limitations with regards to weaponry and potential for awe-inspiring action. There is some imagination in the exploding mini-crossbow and the “doomsday” weapon Turnbull uses, but there are glaring flaws to each that aren’t even worth mentioning. This is made irrelevant even earlier on when the action is set in front of an atrocious green screen. Some scenes have clear outlines of the live action versus the digital.

When the effects and manliness are unsatisfactory, where do these movies turn to maintain the red-blooded male audience? To quote the notorious lothario Glen Quagmire, “ hello, lips, legs, breasts and ass.”* But even then Hex fails. Megan Fox is almost nonexistent in the film and when she appears there is a dream-like filter put on her to give the porcelain doll comparison even stronger support. She is not even given a chance to make a claim as the love interest – even though she is and I have little confidence she could’ve done it on her own anyway.

Fassbender has a great – if unexplained – Irish accent so my opinion of him is only slightly diminished, but everyone else takes a hit from Hex. Struggling while interpreting the ridiculously thick Southern accents becomes a blessing in disguise since the dialogue is terrible. It is no wonder DC Comics is having trouble making films outside the Batman saga when they decide to shoot blanks like Hex at the Marvel films. Jonah Hex is as bad as advertised.

*I’ll take “Things I Never Thought I’d Say For 1200” Alex.

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  1. Oh My God! was that Micheal Fassbender. This was really bad haha, my favorite scene would be the mini gun attached to the horse, me and my friends could not stop laughing at that 😀

    • Haha I got a nice chuckle from that. I realized right then that they clearly weren’t trying very hard

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